Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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