nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
