According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
