defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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