You can't motorboat a personality
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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