i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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