Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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