My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
