She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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