i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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