My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
