I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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