I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
