it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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