Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
