How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
