i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
whose ass print is on the piano?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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