I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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