she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i've created a new STD.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
