So drunk its hurt
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
