After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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