apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
