Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
