After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
