so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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