I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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