he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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