bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
