our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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