I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
NoShamevember. You game?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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