I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
