I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
