it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
