I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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