Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
