Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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