I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
