my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
