I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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