i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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