chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
