tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
