We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
