I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
