i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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