everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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