I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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