youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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