Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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