last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
