then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
